Bitter men say the meanest things

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was close to impossible.

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't care ... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

I really miss my X, but my aim is getting better.