As authored by the Bush family (Ed, Judy, Brittany, Mandy and Crystal) of Littleton, Colorado.

Family Rules:
1. We don't want the best of everything. We just want everything.
2. Even if you think the answer will be "no", ask just in case. If you don't ask, you don't get.
3. If you can't open it with your teeth, try using a pair of scissors.
4. The one who's standing lets the dog out.
a. If no one is standing, the one sitting closest to the door lets the dog out.
5. A dog is more persistent than an alarm clock..
6. Daddy can fix almost anything, but occasionally he brings an attitude to the job.
7. Dogs and children are always underfoot.
8. Parents have crazy ideas.
9. Never tell your parents you're bored.
10. If you're too full for desert you don't have to finish your dinner.
11. Grownups always get their way.
12. If you break something, cry. That way you won't get yelled at.
13. If people are snoring poke them.
14. If you hear the toilet running, wiggle the handle.
15. If you're out of socks, take your laundry basket to the laundry room; otherwise you'll be out of socks tomorrow, too.
16. Leave dirty pans to soak. Mom will wash them later.
17. If the dog throws up, pretend you didn't notice.
18. Don't kick your shoes on the roof of the house.
19. If you're giving your mom a back rub you can stay up after 9:00 p.m.
20. If you're brushing your mom's hair you can stay up as late as you want.
21. If you beat Dad at HORSE, you lose.
22. There must be a clear path from the door to your bed if you would like a good night kiss.
23. If your temperature is over 101 degrees you don't have to practice the piano.
24. For emergencies in the middle of the night, wake Dad up instead of Mom. He is less likely to yell at you.
25. No matter what's for dinner, someone always hates it.
a. The above does not apply to pizza, unless you only have sausage and mushroom.
26. You can eat out more often if you rarely order drinks and never get desserts.
27. If you want to save some important papers. Don't leave them sitting on the bar for more than 24 hours.
28. The third person gets a cold shower.
29. Collecting gifts from time-share places is payment for putting up with their annoying junk mail.
30. A chicken in every pot and a tv in every room.
31. Don't wear white if you're planning to eat spaghetti.
32. If you are in a hurry, the car in front of you will have Wyoming license plates.
33. If you don't want to buy a new car, don't go out "just to look."
34. If the temperature is below 32 degrees Fahrenheit, parents can watch soccer games from the car.
35. Cook all hamburgers outside on the barbeque. That way the smoke alarm in the house won't go off.
36. If you snooze you lose.
37. The person who pays for the coffee table can put his feet on it.
38. It's a free country unless you're bothering someone else.
a. It's a dictatorship if you're bothering your parents.